High and Dry but not dry enough yet.
I've poisoned you all, every single one of you, with my poems, with my favorite songs and my thoughts. Then I made you "to live up the image" I fabricated of myself. You all fell in the trap, you were drugged. You felt helpless, you had no choice but to fall for this image of me. And then one day you woke up and couldn't take it anymore. You volunteered to register for a rehab, the Reality rehab center. After few days, weeks or even months going dry and staying sober, you felt liberated from this hallucination and went your way. You all left me high and dry.
Afterwards, once in a while when we'd pass by, we all put on this unreal smile and pretend nothing ever happened.
I wonder when I would sober up? When would I check in the Reality rehab center?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Get me out of this head!
I am sitting in a restaurant in Berlin. People are coming and going. The patio is quite pleasant and peaceful. A mild half cloudy half sunny day with a nice breeze. The only annoying thing is the presence of these bees. They are everywhere in this town and yet no honey in their sack.
Across from my table an old man and a man in his mid 40s are sitting together. They seem to be father and son. May be they have a Sunday ritual of getting together in a restaurant. When the son was approached by the waitress he declined the menu and ordered for both of them in German. A minute later two nice Konig Ludwig Blonde with a good inch of foam sitting on top was served on their table. They exchanged words here and there, otherwise their gaze traveled to far places. May be the father lives in an old tiny sad flat by himself. May be his daughter-in-law doesn't like him, that's why they have to meet in a restaurant.
I don't know why all of a sudden my mother's face appeared in front of my eyes. I am walking around shouting and moving my hands in the air as if I am performing a dramatic part in a play, sobbing: "This is the nature of fucking life...to be born alone and to die alone. In between to feel lonely."
"But you have us, your family, me. Why such strong emotions and sorrow, why feel lonely?" She says. She in the verge of bursting into tears, she walks away and hides in the bedroom. She always hid her tears from me. And then she disappears.
There it was. My nightmare in a day light with wide open eyes. How did I get here?
I am sitting in a restaurant in Berlin. People are coming and going. The patio is quite pleasant and peaceful. A mild half cloudy half sunny day with a nice breeze. The only annoying thing is the presence of these bees. They are everywhere in this town and yet no honey in their sack.
Across from my table an old man and a man in his mid 40s are sitting together. They seem to be father and son. May be they have a Sunday ritual of getting together in a restaurant. When the son was approached by the waitress he declined the menu and ordered for both of them in German. A minute later two nice Konig Ludwig Blonde with a good inch of foam sitting on top was served on their table. They exchanged words here and there, otherwise their gaze traveled to far places. May be the father lives in an old tiny sad flat by himself. May be his daughter-in-law doesn't like him, that's why they have to meet in a restaurant.
I don't know why all of a sudden my mother's face appeared in front of my eyes. I am walking around shouting and moving my hands in the air as if I am performing a dramatic part in a play, sobbing: "This is the nature of fucking life...to be born alone and to die alone. In between to feel lonely."
"But you have us, your family, me. Why such strong emotions and sorrow, why feel lonely?" She says. She in the verge of bursting into tears, she walks away and hides in the bedroom. She always hid her tears from me. And then she disappears.
There it was. My nightmare in a day light with wide open eyes. How did I get here?
Sunday, August 09, 2009
My 300+ days of her
I am definitely over her. Moved on. No hard feelings at all, but I can't understand how everything happened so fast, so out of the natural cosmic order of "boy-meets-girl". I didn't get the chance to make my typical mistakes to be yelled at or to be frowned upon. I didn't get the chance to know if I was slightly wanted, ever, at all, loved? Not even close. My hands, my arms, never got the chance to be surprised by her hand when she would reach out, out of a sudden loneliness or a simple crave for me; you know, one of those rare moments that you never expect them, but when they happen, they make you feel good.
500 Summer Days triggered all this. I felt like Tom through out the film. Like he said I didn't care about the boy friend label, or being defined in the relationship; I was just looking for consistency of a sort.
It was a strange journey but a totally good one. Thank you for the ride. :*
I am definitely over her. Moved on. No hard feelings at all, but I can't understand how everything happened so fast, so out of the natural cosmic order of "boy-meets-girl". I didn't get the chance to make my typical mistakes to be yelled at or to be frowned upon. I didn't get the chance to know if I was slightly wanted, ever, at all, loved? Not even close. My hands, my arms, never got the chance to be surprised by her hand when she would reach out, out of a sudden loneliness or a simple crave for me; you know, one of those rare moments that you never expect them, but when they happen, they make you feel good.
500 Summer Days triggered all this. I felt like Tom through out the film. Like he said I didn't care about the boy friend label, or being defined in the relationship; I was just looking for consistency of a sort.
It was a strange journey but a totally good one. Thank you for the ride. :*
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