They both "recommend" things every second as if I am still their 7 year old kid.
I was thinking how come I am so angry inside, around them all the time even at vulnerable times like this, that they should be my safety zone and they should have refuge for me but no, it's all frustration in my head and agony in my heart. Ever Since I was able to understand the Commands and the Orders 'till I turned 18 and rebelled it was times of suppression and parental tyranny. Everything had to be done according to their instructions and orders and they had one for every single moment of those year, even orders how to hold a cup of tea. This was in the dark years of 60s that my generation was being suppressed at school and society as well. It was 16 hours of constant suffering for me when I was awake in school or in the streets or at home and 8 hours of nightmares, 365 days a year for 14 year; the best years of a human beings life when one should have no responsibilities of adults world and feel liberated and happy.
She came up with her old trick last night to scare me with his hearth condition and how drinking has endangered his life, right at the moment he went to the bathroom. I knew what she was doing and has been doing over and over through out the years. "How come you tell me things like this about him only when he is absent; this happening all the time." I asked. She blushed while was caught off guard; responded in a way as if I had offended her with the question. She tried another avenue, she said "You've always denied my Motherhood Right". It even made me more furious. "What Motherhood Right?" I ask. "Motherhood is supposed to be comfort and peacefulness not the opposite in a very invasive way. Victimizing yourself will not work on me anymore." Then he comes out of the bathroom and there it goes, the big confrontation: Dad! Because I know mom doesn't like you to drink at all I've never offered you any beers or other alcoholic beverages unless you've asked me and as your host I would never say no. So has drinking beer here and there in last few weeks bothered your heart or harmed you at all?
He turns to her immediately and says no, not at all. The thing is your mom doesn't want me to drink that's why she relates thing to one another and jumps into irrelevant conclusions.
"Please fix your differences on this drinking disagreement between the two of you and leave me the fuck out of it." I snapped and stopped right there.
Being disconnected from them and trying so hard in last few years to fix the broken connection and failing over and over is one thing that I gotten over it eventually. I just want this 9 weeks to be over soon while I try so hard to make this the vacation of their lives.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
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